Mind Games

It is interesting to me how our mind can often times be our worst enemy.
You see, I have a very active imagination - and not always the good kind. I get worried, very worried about people I love when I don't know how they are. If I don't hear from them when I am supposed to, my mind starts imagining the worst, scenarios rise up in my head and they don't let go. This is specially bad when you think about the fact that all of my loved ones live away from me. My lovely husband is on the other side of US and my mother is in western Canada. At least this is better than when she was in Australia. If she doesn't call me in the morning, I get worried that someone has happened to her - did she have an accident while she was driving home? did he have an accident when biking home? did she simply get dizzy and hit her head against the desk, like last time when she hit her chin against the desk and broke her teeth?
I need to hear from them at least once in the morning and once at night. Just so I know everything is ok. Nothing bad has happened.
But then I was thinking, what if something bad did happen? something happened to them and i didn't know and i just continued my happy day while they were.. not well.

It has happened to me before - every morning H. used to call me, for him to say good night and for me to say good morning. and then one morning he didn't call and I wasn't worried because I had a day long meeting at school and what is one phone call - he was busy, he was tired, he went to sleep. I went to school without calling him to make sure everything was ok. To see why H didn't call me. Instead I went to school and then I got the worst call ever at school. While i was happy and excited about the meeting, bad things were happening in Australia and I didn't know. I didn't even think anything was wrong, me who is so cautious.
Would it have made a difference in the end even if I had known? no. Logically I know it would have made no difference. He was in Aus and I was here. When I should have been over there. But I wasn't. anyway.

So what can happen when I don't hear from someone? That they need me and I don't know about it. That I am happy and laughing and carefree and they are not. That I am losing them from my life and I don't know about it, That is the hardest thing. That this person, this someone whom I love and they are essential to the very fabric of my life, is slipping away and I am not aware of this monumental, earth shattering fact.

Given this, it quite amazes me at times that I can bear live away from all of my loved ones. That I haven't yet learned my lessons and that I am a glutton for punishment.